Survivor: Fans vs. Faves,

Episode 1 Recap and Commentary

by Sandra Joslyn Tallarico

RecapGirl@yahoo.com

Yes kids, I’m back.  Forced out of retirement by an irresistible Survivor premise: a group of self-described superfans vs. an old crew of (alleged) fan favorites.  A chance to pummel not only Johnny Foulplay but the Yappy Skeleton (Eliza) again?  A weekly opportunity to question Jeff Probst’s wardrobe?  How could I pass it up?  I couldn’t.  So here I am, poised and ready with my sharp pencil and dull wit.  Let’s get to it!

Episode I begins with Jeff aloft in a white helicopter emblazoned with “Survivor” on its side, sailing high over Micronesia , an aquamarine paradise.  Below are the two new tribes, headed for their beaches in canoes.  We’re treated to highlights of some of our favorite Survivor contestants extolling their own virtues, causing me a severe visceral reaction and many guttural noises which alarm my cat.  Hubris ain’t pretty. 

The Fans arrive on their beach in a drenching downpour.  Jeff’s still wearing the same navy blue shirt he’s had low these past 206 seasons, and I’m secretly hoping the dumping rain will detach the last of the shirt’s molecules, but no luck.  Our first Fan is Jason, a gymnastics instructor saying his dream has been to, “Come out…”  I’m certain he’s going to say, “…of the closet,” but I’m mistaken.  He merely wants to come out and be on the game.

Jeff announces to the Fans they’ll be playing against some old favorites.  Ok, let me take this opportunity to cast aspersions on this whole “favorites” premise.  Yau-Man: sure.  James: I can buy.  But there’s no way some of these people were the favorites of anyone save their mothers.  But I digress.  Jeff brings out Cirie, Ozzy, Ami, Jonathan, Eliza (henceforth referred to as Yappy Skeleton), James, Parvati, Yau-Man, and Amanda, finishing with Jonny Fairplay (henceforth referred to as Jonny Foulplay).  “I wanted to throw up when I saw Jonny Fairplay.  He’s a pig.  He’s a loser pig.  I would love just one moment to kick him—one moment to kick him hard in the shins…”  So saith Tracy, a Fan, and my new hero.

The Fans are dubbed Airai, the Faves Malakal.  Jeff tells the groups across the water lies  their boats, their maps to their camp locations, and an immunity idol for each tribe.  He concludes by telling them they can go anytime they want, followed by a painful moment where his words are processed and they stand there in the classic Deer in the Headlights stance before somebody bolts for the water, prompting the rush.

Jonny Foulplay spots the idol, saunters up, and takes it.  It is, however, the other tribe’s idol.  Light dawns and he sees the correct tiki idol thing and goes for it at the same time as Yau-Man.  They dive, with Yau-Man getting the idol.  A slight collision happens—purely accidental from what myself and Recap Husband can see—but Foulplay decides to tell everyone he was assaulted by Yau-Man and vows to bring him down.

Kathy, a very unusual woman from the Fans tribe meanders up to Yau and Foulplay saying she has no idea what is going on.  YM points to the idol and tells her to pick it up.  She now has immunity for the first Tribal Council.

The Fans start to settle in and feel their strength lies in the fact they know how the other team’s players operate and conversely, the Faves know nothing about them.  Mikey B. aptly describes a few of his fellow tribemates as Big Bird, a southern princess, the Incredible Hulk, “Jon Bon Jovi in his prime,” and, “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”  Thanks for that Mikey, I couldn’t have come up with such pristine descriptions.

Kathy, the interesting person I mentioned, AKA Big Bird, launches into her psychological reign of terror by walking up to the overtly gay man and starting a conversation with, “Ok, so you’re a homosexual…”  She must be a lot of fun at parties.  He says he’s not offended and she’s happy to have her first gay friend.  Shortly thereafter she approaches Kathy and her rack and begins their relationship with the customary, I’ve never been so close to implants before hail.  {You know, now that Kathy’s saying that, I’m going to have to quit using that one when I meet new people. It’s a good icebreaker, but clearly it’s been done to death.}

Meanwhile, back at Favorite Beach , they are much occupied being pleased with themselves.  They mock the newbies and can’t stop talking about how great they are.  Apparently, I’ve learned nothing in all the times I’ve watched Survivor as I don’t have my vomit bucket handy.  I’d also forgotten how Jonny Foulplay likes to refer to himself in the third person.  Sandra Tallarico finds that annoying.  He also brags about his pregnant girlfriend back home.  Nice.  Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  No, that’s just the rising vomit again.

James is happy to be with fellow hard workers and Parvati is happy to be with James.  I give in and get the bucket as they say goodnight, Waltons style, all echoing, “Goodnight, favorites…”  But while the Blessed Ones are drifting into self congratulatory sleep, the Fans are still trying to get their camp together.  They’re not yet done when the downpour starts up again.

Morning dawns with the Faves busy forming alliances.  Ami, Yappy Skeleton, Yau-Man and Jonathan form one group.  Another group includes Parvati, James, Amanda and Ozzy.  Foulplay seemingly ingratiates himself into both alliances.  The latter group decides to vote out Yappy.  Foulplay can’t believe his luck that anybody believes a word he’s saying.  Neither can I!  Yau-Man channels MacGyver and gets a fire started by using his glasses, the sun, and some coconut husks.

Challenge time comes and the Faves talk trash about how superior they are as they have a shelter, fire and food.  Yappy Skeleton says they’re going to “kick butt” for about the 20th time in a five minute time span.  For a college student, she’s sure in dire need of a thesaurus.  The hungry and tired Fans believe they have a decent shot at winning the challenge, despite their deficiencies.

The challenge involves taking puzzle type pieces, turning them into a cart and steering said carts through a series of obstacle courses, culminating into making the cart a turnstile and setting something on fire with a flaming wok.  Don’t try to figure it out, the physics are all wrong.  The winners will be rewarded with immunity for the night and flint. 

The Fans put their cart together with amazing alacrity while the Faves look about as good with spatial orientation as I am.  Eventually the Faves get it together and take off in their cart, just in time to wipe out, sending Yappy flying like a pinball.  A pity.  The Fans win the contest, leaving the Faves to question the nature of the universe as they prepare to eat one of their own at Tribal Council.

As the afternoon progresses, Foulplay goes from deciding how he’s going to play the game to crying to the camera about missing his girlfriend and worrying about his unborn child.  Now me personally, I think there’s even odds the baby is about as real as his grandma dying during the last show.  He then starts campaigning to his tribemates to send him home, a plan Parvati endorses warmly as she’s on the block as well.

Tribal arrives and Jeff’s still wearing that shirt.  Foulplay pontificates on how screwed up his head is (truer words, Jonny, truer words…) and how all he can think about is his “little baby Piper” and wanting to go home.  Yau questions Foulplay’s sincerity and some agree it’s likely he’s running a game.  Foulplay claims he’s not quitting, but come on—I want to go home is quitting.

The votes are cast and as far as we can tell, it’s unanimous to send Jonny Fairplay packing.  He looks well pleased and tells the camera he’s happy to have left on his own terms.  I’m just happy he’s leaving.  The whole thing leaves me shaking my head.  The guy spends his life finding a way to get back on Survivor, being passed from reality show to reality show, getting body slammed by Danny Bonaduce of all people—only to throw the game in the first round.  Foul play indeed.

** Have a comment?  Email me at RecapGirl@yahoo.com